Managing Your Mate How to Co-Parent A Rare Child Without Losing Your Cool
Pamela Alma Weymouth, MFA, MSW
When you are falling in love you are generally busy assessing how handsome your mate is, how good they are at making restaurant reservations, or how good they are at balancing a spoon on their nose. You rarely have the chance to factor in how good they are at handling trips to the ER or if they’re good at three in the morning when there’s a kid throwing up and it’s their turn. Spoon balancing is not always useful at three in the morning. This is when you want reliable, generous, unflappable, grounded. Sometimes you might be lucky enough to get both—and I salute you. Many of us are not so lucky—instead we must work with the human flaws that our partner brings to the table.
Raising any child can push you up against the wall. Strip down your last defenses. Leave you raw. Raising a “rare” child is like turning up the burner all the way on high until the water is boiling over. Most likely, at some point it will make you angry—at the doctors, the injustice, the insensitive parents at the grocery store. Who better to take your anger out on than the other adult in the room?
If this happens—and if you’re human it probably has— know that you are not alone, and you’re not bad. Be sure to apologize—and then figure out a game plan for what you are going to do differently the next time your mate falls apart or fails you in some key way just when your kid is flipping out, having a seizure, cannot breathe or is experiencing grueling pain.
MAKE A PLAN: Some people are great in crisis. Firemen. Paramedics. Nurses. Some people freeze or flip out. The last thing you need in an emergency is another human to take care of. Map it out ahead of time. Give them a concrete task to do that might help you. It might be as simple as calling 911, starting the car, staying home to watch the other kids while you go. Make a plan so that you are not escalating the crisis with an argument. Have a safe word—like “Time out!” Or something silly like “Banana!” When you hear the safe word, stop and table the conversation.
If your rage or your partner’s rage has come to blows or gotten physical please be sure to get professional help—from a domestic violence hotline* or a therapist.
Before motherhood I didn’t think I was capable of anger. Rare is the parenting book that warns you about mother-rage! When the baby twins were howling it always pushed my buttons when my husband failed to intuit what I needed or when he did everything I asked him to do backwards, upside down, or half-way.
Once I got divorced and my kids grew old enough walk, talk and talk back they started pushing my buttons too. During the pandemic, trapped in the house with no place to go everyone is more on edge. We are all living inside a matchbox just waiting for someone to light up.
GET HELP: Therapy has put me back together after I’ve become unglued (more than once) and been the rudder that has kept me afloat through single parenting, divorce and navigating a rare condition. If you think you don’t have time or that it’s not worth the money, think about how many cups of coffee you buy from Starbucks and do the math. Your mental health has no price tag.
What if your mate thinks therapy is for touchy feely hippies from California? I used to believe this too until I got on an airplane that was about to go up in flames. Sometimes that’s what it takes.
ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER'S LIMITATIONS: If your partner simply won’t listen—then take care of yourself and let go. There’s deep wisdom in the Alcoholics Anonymous adage, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Or as one of my mentors often reminds me, Stop trying to change him! “You cannot get blood from a turnip.”
Before I gave birth to my twin boys I attended groups with twin mothers where they taught us things like how to breast feed two babies at once, which double stroller to buy, and how to swaddle a preemie. All of these things were useful—but no one talked about how to keep your marriage from imploding. I felt like I was carrying a terrible secret. I felt deeply alone.
DECIDE WHO IS CAPTAIN: I know one rare mother, a courageous writer, who told me that she and her spouse decided there was going to be one “captain” of the ship—because there could not be two captains navigating the school battles, the doctor's visits, every decision. I think this is brilliant and is probably the secret to a healthy parenting relationship. Rather than waste your energy battling over who will drive the ship, one partner must have the grace to step aside and say "Okay, I’ll let you steer this part of the journey while I handle the masts and the rigging."
ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED: After my sons were born I wished that I had sat down with my husband prior and said okay: Here’s what’s going down: You will cook 50% of the meals, wash 50% of the dishes, pay 50% of the bills and get everything on my grocery list when I ask you to go to the store and fix stuff when it’s broken. Instead I ended up doing 95% of everything and I got really resentful. Nothing will kill a relationship quicker than resentment. The only cure to this is communication. Ask for what you need. Be clear. Be direct. Your partner cannot read your mind.
BE COMPASSIONATE: Let’s talk about denial. Everyone handles difficult news differently. We all have the image of what we thought our child would be. He’s going to become an astronaut! She’s going to be a triathlete! They’re going to Harvard! Then there is the challenging realization that your child is incredible and you love them beyond reason—but their journey is totally unique and at at times deeply painful. If you’ve already done your emotional work to make peace with your child’s diagnosis it can be maddening have to deal with a partner who is not there yet. Which brings me back to the turnip. Let your turnip just be a turnip.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE Parent Talk Line: 415-441-KIDS
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