When is it ‘Safe Enough’ for a Rare Parent to Sleep?
Pamela Alma Weymouth, MSW, MFA
Being told to engage in good sleep habits when you have a child with a rare condition may just be about as unhelpful as being told to calm down when your brain is on fire. One of the rare mothers in one of my journaling classes this week pointed out as I was trying to share useful sleep tips that when she put on her sleep meditation the teacher said in a soothing voice, “You may relax now, everyone is safe.” Right, she said, “but that’s not true for me.” How can she believe that her child is ever really safe when she has to wake several times a night to check on her well-being? How can she ever really relax when she is constantly monitoring, worrying, checking tubes, giving meds, cleaning up messes, running to the hospital?
Most rare parents are on constant alert in the same way that a nurse on overtime is constantly listening for the next drop in heart rate or pulse oximeter. In this state of constant overload to your adrenals how can you possibly fall into the kind of deep REM sleep that your body requires? How can you allow yourself to turn off your brain completely—and yet still be ready for the next time your child needs you?
ASK FOR HELP & THEN LET GO: Consider this: allowing yourself to sleep is the gift your body needs—and you need to find a way to give this to yourself—even if it means asking for help, relying on a generous friend, partner or family member—and letting go of always needing to be in charge. True you just may be the best caregiver that your child has—but it’s also true that if you burn yourself out you will be useless. Letting someone help means letting go of things being done the way you do them—and letting them be just slightly less than perfect—as long as they are good enough for your child to be safe. This practice of letting go is worth it if it buys you some restorative sleep.
When I was married I used to become furious at my husband when he would come home and amp my sons up just when I had already wound them down, or he would feed my boys cotton candy loaded with food dyes and sugar at the county fair—to their delight and my horror, and then they would vomit or run around in circles until they crashed and ended up sobbing! I wanted a much needed break—but I also wanted him to do things my way—and the fact is you just cannot have it both ways. The logical part of me knows that it’s good for children to experience different forms of parenting. They say it’s good for fathers to figure things out without constant correction. That doesn’t make it easy to do—but if you want to protect your long-term health—letting go of control for just enough hours to restore yourself might just be worth the trade off.
For single parents this isn't always an option. You may have to ask friends or family for help. Ask your medical team if you can get professional help. Sometimes you may just have to get creative and steal in naps when your child is sleeping or watching a movie or painting the walls blue.
TAKE SHIFTS: Asking for help is hard especially if you're a strong, independent woman. But often other people want to help and don't know how. We live in a very independent culture where everyone is wrapped up in their own drama and lots of people may want to help and not know how. What if you were able to get 1-3 night shifts covered so that you can be guaranteed at least 2-3 nights of solid sleep each week? It is worth the ask. You deserve it!
NAP! When you’ve had a brutal night of caregiving allow yourself to take a nap the next day. This may be obvious, but some of the rare mothers I know associate a nap with guilt. Seriously? Haven't you done enough already? Kill that inner critic and engage in some GUILT-FREE nap time.
EMBRACE THE IDEA OF SAFE ENOUGH: Parenting a child with a rare condition is never going to allow you a state of stable calm—but you will get ebbs and flows. Embrace these moments of calm. Translate the meditation teacher’s “You are safe” to “My child is safe enough, right now.”
Buddhist wisdom teaches us to embrace the Right Now, rather than living in the past or future tripping—two things I am very good at. But in the end, if we can train our brains to return again and again to our breath—to the Right Now—we can reduce our anxiety and sleep better. Pull yourself out of the doom spiral of what might happen--and ask yourself is my child safe enough right now?
If we can learn to live in the moment we can truly savor the Right Now like a small square of dark chocolate. Let it sit on your tongue, taste it, savor it, allow yourself to feel the momentary bliss. Now turn off the lights, get into bed, tuck yourself in, and shut your eyes.
xo Pamela
Writing Prompt: Is there anyone you can ask for help? What stops you from getting more help? What helps you relax and trust that it is safe to sleep at night?
Want to continue the conversation? Join us Thursday in the Journaling & Resilience workshop. Confidential. Free. Nurturing. Fun. Still in pajamas? Messy, loud house? All are welcome.
Click on "Workshops" to register or put this link in your calendar: https://us02web.zoom.us/w/87125646108?tk=QkP9IgeDLxiQchnhuAB6JMEgMo2qk5YrNgAzKuOf_Dc.DQIAAAAUSRfbHBZLV3BYMmRFQlFldW5BYW5ZMWNSUUx3AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
