The Gift Of Boundries
Boundaries are a gift to you and to the people in your life. In our Rare Family Dynamics Workshop this week, we talked about what it takes setting boundaries with ourselves and others.
The truth is that many caregivers are not great at setting boundaries, and that's OK. Maybe it's your “good girl” conditioning that makes you immediately respond, "Yes, sure. I'd be happy to help.”
Pausing
It is helpful to pause and check in with yourself before responding. By doing this you interrupt the “good girl” conditioned habit pattern. Turn your attention inside and see what's true for you. Sometimes you may need to step away from the situation, quiet your mind and take a bird's eye view to see what's actually best for you and your family. It takes practice to break the habit of being a "yes person.”
Self-love versus selfish
Maybe you are operating under the limiting belief that self-love is selfish. It's not.
As a Raregiver™, if you are on all kinds of committees, like the PTA and other volunteer activities, it can be useful to assess these external commitments and tell the truth about what you truly have time for.
After having done this, and shedding many of her long-standing, external commitments, one of our participants said, "I am a free woman. I can do ANGEL AID support groups.”
Shoulds
Maybe because you are a stay at home mom, you want to give back and volunteer which is beautiful, if it's true. Pause and ask the question. And then, once you realize that you can't because you're driving 800 miles a week for therapies, some feelings of grief may arise.
One of our members talked about the grief of letting go of being a soccer coach for two teams, one of them her kid wasn't even on.
Many Raregivers™ fight the urge to be everything to everybody.
It’s important to be intentional about how you use your time and some of your time needs to be for YOU.
Setting boundaries
Sometimes, as a Raregiver™, you will need to set boundaries with people who's neurotypical kids are hitting milestones when yours is not. You try hard to be happy for them that their kid is in their senior year and will attend their prom along with other rights of passage. At the same time you are sitting with the reality that your kid is not going to prom and maybe not going to college.
Being seen and heard
In these situations, perhaps you could ask your friends to say, "I know it's hard for you to hear this.” This statement shows that they recognize that your reality is different from theirs.
Another thing you might consider doing is getting off of social media entirely. Set a boundary with social media so you don't need to see all of the things that are happening in the world that your rare child will not experience. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love.
Coming up next week:
Discovering Your True Friends: Awkward Communication, Letting Go & Making new friends
Having a rare child changes everything including friendships and how it feels to move around in your community and the world. You will very likely encounter awkwardness. Many neurotypical people do not know how to act around a child with special needs which feels uncomfortable. You are now engaging with their discomfort and your own.
How do you communicate with friends about what you need? You may find that some friends pull away while others open to the changes and support you. You may need to let go of certain relationships while opening to others with rare mothers and people whose capacity allows them to meet you and your rare family where you are. You are invited to come and share your experience and listen to what others have learned along their journey.
Join Us
You may not realize how much you need the ANGEL AID community until you find it.
We look forward to being with you soon.
