Setting Boundaries
In our Rare Family Dynamics session this week we had a conversation about boundaries. Boundaries are a way of honoring yourself and they help you protect your peace.
Boundaries are bi-directional. This means that you can set them with yourself internally or set them with others externally. Both are useful and for many of us, setting boundaries can be tough.
Comparison
It can be helpful to set boundaries if you find yourself comparing your Rare child to other children. This may happen when your friend's children are getting married, or having babies, learning to walk or getting the lead in a school play and your child is unable to do any of these things.
Set a boundary with yourself, interrupt the comparing mind, and you will experience more peace, rather than the suffering of the comparative, judgmental mind.
Process as you go
When you process your feelings from moment to moment, you keep the space inside you clear. One way to process your feelings is to journal, another is to take a walk and allow yourself to do a “conscious rant.” Allowing yourself to rant and swear and release your feelings without filtering can lighten your load. Set a timer and let yourself speak whatever comes up for five minutes. Notice how you feel after you’ve done this. It can be incredibly cathartic!
The mind is not trustworthy
Don’t believe everything you think. Setting internal boundaries is a way of protecting your mind space from falling off a cliff. By setting a boundary not to believe every thought that pops into your head, you’re making a conscious choice about where you are putting your attention. Notice what gives you energy and what is draining.
The 6-month Rule
One of our group members talked about how she doesn’t plan anything for her Rare child more than six months out. This relieves the pressure. If you are using this rule, and someone asks you, “what’s your son going to be like in fourth grade?” You can set a boundary around this because you do not know.
To share or not to share?
It takes discernment to know what to share, with whom, and when. Slow down and see whether it is useful for you to share something with someone, or whether receiving the intensity of their reaction would be exhausting.
For example, maybe you choose not to tell your mom any bad news about your children because you know that she will go into a tirade about how life is so unfair. You don’t need this. It’s very likely you do not have the mental bandwidth to metabolize her reaction.
The impact of setting boundaries
Sometimes, setting a boundary will include confrontation. If you are someone who is conflict avoidant, you may justify not speaking up and setting a boundary because it will create conflict. Notice if you are doing this. See if you can lean in. Sometimes, although conflict can be uncomfortable it can also be productive.
This Week’s Theme: Friendship - Communicating Through Awkwardness and Letting Go
Having a Rare child changes everything including friendships, and how it feels to move around in your community, and the world. You will experience awkward moments. Many neurotypical people do not know how to act around a child with special needs which feels uncomfortable. You are now engaging with their discomfort and your own.
How do you communicate with friends about what you need? Some friends will pull away while others embrace the changes and are able to support you. You may need to let go of certain relationships while opening to others with people whose capacity allows them to meet you and your Rare family where you are. Learn to trust your intuition more deeply. Come share your experiences and learn from others.
You Belong Here
As a Raregiver, you belong here. We gather from across the world to support each other. You are not alone. Come as you are.
Your presence is a contribution.
Zoom Link:Click Here
Looking forward to being with you,
Padma
