Comparative Suffering

Photo by Maria Orlova on Unsplash

All of us have a superpower called, “I can rewrite this story…” It’s one we often lose sight of or forget about completely. Instead of embracing this superpower, we can find ourselves in comparative suffering. It can go one of two ways: Reinforcing our own narrative around our suffering, digging deeper into it OR minimizing our experience in light of the pain other people are experiencing.

We have all done this at one point or another, so I want to first point out that it is completely human to do this. What I hope to shift, is that we don’t stay in comparative suffering (either direction) for very long and activate the ability to rewrite the story in our minds.

With comparative suffering, we start to rank our life’s pain and use it to deny or give ourselves permission to feel. We may use it to avoid looking at what’s happening for us. It may even cause us to feel guilt or shame that we’re not suffering as much as other people or are angry when we don’t feel understood in ours. We try to brush off our own painful emotions when we engage in it. But emotions don’t go away just because we don’t see them as valid enough compared to other’s suffering or by devaluing ours or other’s emotions.

This is when our superpowers come into play. First we have to give ourselves permission to feel what we’re feeling. It’s okay for us to acknowledge our disappointments or frustrations. Of course, it’s important for us to have perspective and to practice gratitude for what we have. But that doesn’t mean that we aren’t allowed to feel our more uncomfortable emotions. All emotions are valid.

Then, we practice the “bothness” of a situation. By replacing the word “but” with “and”, we make a subtle shift away from guilt or shame. Two things (like enjoyment and heartbreak) can exist at the same time. Instead of comparing, give yourself the space to express both.

And lastly, practicing empathy helps transform our internal story. It starts with ourselves. The best way to ensure compassion for others experiences and perspectives is to attend to our own feelings first, and then by being kind to ourselves, extending ourselves grace. When we practice empathy, shame can no longer exist alongside it.

Taking a break, acknowledging what we are feeling and going through, making space for the correctness of this; then doing the same for another, whether we agree with them or not, gives us the superpower to change our story. It definitely takes some practice, as it is a learned skill, and, I believe in you!

Always willing,

Pamela