Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

A RARE MOTHER'S GUILTY PLEASURE

Last week one of my students introduced me to the term “Revenge Bedtime Procrastination”, a term popularized in China by millennials and Gen Zers who work endlessly long hours and/or have kids and want to steal back their time by staying up too late—and then paying the price the next day with more exhaustion. Sound familiar?

The head nodding, laughter of recognition that followed this class share was nearly unanimous. I am a life-long bedtime procrastinator and motherhood if anything simply made me feel worse about it. The fact that this habit has a name and plagues so many hundreds of thousands globally (according to the viral response on tic tok) is such a relief. Knowing that we are not alone helps lift the burden of shame that normally yokes us night owls. 

Maybe I am not bad, lazy or irresponsible--maybe I am simply an overstretched mother?

I used to think that all other mothers were tucking themselves in at eight pm so they could rise at 5 am before the sun is up to bake morning buns or run a marathon. I know people like this. I envy them and admire them in equal measure. Sometimes I hate them a little bit too. I on the other hand am lying comatose on the sofa between the dried mango, the ants and the dog hair covered blanket eating my way through a dark chocolate bar. I'm either watching the Queen's Gambit or scrolling the internet for bad news or medical information that might explain my rare son's latest symptom or I might be texting a friend in what would be the only adult communication I've had all day unless you count the Amazon delivery guy. On a good night I might be reading another book about how to be a better mother or journaling. But goddammit I am not going to bed even though I'm bone tired and I'm not washing the pile of dirty dishes that sit awaiting me in the kitchen. I'll wait until it's nearly midnight for that.

When my preemie twins were born I was lucky enough to have a wonderful night doula. After a day of round the clock feedings and burping and swaddling and diapering every two hours, once the babies were asleep I’d pick her brain for baby tips, get a cup of tea, chat with her because she was motherly and wise. At least twenty times she said to me, “You’ve got to sleep when your babies sleep.” I just couldn’t make her understand why this felt impossible. 

This meant that once I could no longer afford her I was dead tired for the next fourteen years, but what I wanted more than anything—and what I still want now—is the glorious sound of silence. The luxury of the dark. The sound of crickets. To hear my sons breathing--quietly. To not be wanted or needed or tugged at or yelled at or cursed at or demanded at or tantrumed at or negotiated with.

Logically, I know I would feel better and start the day more calmly if I got more sleep. But getting out of bed earlier than I have to is just not as appealing as staying up later than I should.

Sure a good night’s sleep makes me a kinder mother and a happier human. But changing fifty-two years of bad sleep habits is no easy feat.

I believe the key to changing your Revenge Bedtime Procrastination is to begin with self-compassion. The rest you already know, but I’m going to repeat it for myself, because maybe this time it will sink in. Especially if I tell the rebel in me that I get to be the boss of my choices.

1. Forgive yourself. Going to bed late doesn’t make you bad. It makes you human.

2. Pick one small habit change that would make you feel better in the morning. Make it small and easy. (Example, go to bed 15 minutes earlier, and then move your bedtime by 15 minutes each week or month)

3. Turn off all screens at least 1-2 hours before bedtime. (Blue-light reduces your body’s ability to produce melatonin, which helps you sleep deeply.)

4. Set your phone to shut down 1-2 hours before bedtime. Don't snooze it.

5. Create a phone zone. Park all the family tech there (not your bedroom).

6. Break a sweat! Exercise as early in the day as possible. 

7. Expose yourself to natural light in the morning for at least 30 min (This resets your body clock.)

8. Take a hot bath or shower.

9. Reduce caffeine after midday. Replace with an herbal drink you love.

10. Allow yourself to engage in a pleasurable non-screen activity after your kids are asleep (reading, writing, drawing etc) 

Thehabitnest.com is an awesome journal that offers encouragement, habit tips and a tracking system.

You get to decide. You can engage in a little bit of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination so you won’t feel too deprived, and then try indulging yourself for a shorter amount of time. Think about how you mother your kids at bedtime. Now mother yourself by getting your fanny into bed at a reasonable hour so that you will feel more human in the morning!

What small change would you like to make to your bedtime ritual? 

Join us Thursday for Journaling & Resilience 11am PST/2pm EST. We will be discussing this topic, writing a little, sharing. Confidential. Free. Fun. Nurturing.

RSVP at Workshops or put this link in your calendar: https://us02web.zoom.us/w/87125646108?tk=QkP9IgeDLxiQchnhuAB6JMEgMo2qk5YrNgAzKuOf_Dc.DQIAAAAUSRfbHBZLV3BYMmRFQlFldW5BYW5ZMWNSUUx3AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA